My second assignment in my English 101 class at OTC was to write an essay on how we perceive the world and why. We had to dig deep to uncover why we are the way that we are. There were several questions that we were required to answer and analyze our lives and why we have the personal ideologies that we do. Personally, I love introspective thought and looking into myself so this essay was a lot of fun to write even though it was hard to stay within the word count because I had so much to say. Below is my essay.
Professor Dane Galloway
4 September 2018
I believe the way that I look at the world has a lot to do with the way i was brought up. I was born into a family who did not want me. This isn’t said to seek pity, but just to state a fact. My birth mother put me up for adoption after a month of malnourishing me and leaving me with her mother. She already had one child and I was a burden. I don’t mention this to people I meet until we have become rather close as I am afraid of others thinking I might be weird since I’m adopted. It might possibly be a silly thought, but it’s constantly in my head, and maybe it’s true. Although I have never wished for the outcome to be different and to still live with my birth mother, I wish that I didn’t have to tell people that I am adopted.. It’s almost overwhelming to imagine all the ways my life could have been different if even my parents hadn’t adopted me. I was born in Fayetteville, Arkansas, which isn’t too far away, but it feels like a completely different universe away for more reasons than one. When I was younger I always had a want to meet my birth mother, but I’m still not sure what the reason for it was. This was before I had found out that I have two half brothers. Figuring it out released a whole different kind of anger that i didn’t even know existed. Having this experience really shaped my view on abandonment and has developed into a fear of inadequacy for me. For the better part of my life I have felt as if I was unwanted. Sure, my parents want and love me to no end, but the thought that someone else didn’t still sits in the back of my head.
I am an only child and spent most of my childhood talking to myself as I had no one but my pets to spend time with. I still talk to myself to this day, but with increasing frequency. I’ll pace around my room for hours having imaginary conversations with people I might meet or already know. While driving alone I’ll talk as if someone is in my passenger seat. At times I talk to myself out loud in front of others, referring to myself by my first name. It doesn’t worry me, though, because I am aware that when I speak there is no one else there. It’s mostly my way to get my thoughts out without having to actually explain myself to a living person as that is rather difficult for me. My parents built a house next to my grandparents west of the airport far away from any neighborhood with kids my age possibly in it. So I have most always been alone. Without much socializing except for adults in my formative years, I became very shy and unable to interact with children my age with ease. This forced me to grow up faster and I have always been referred to as an old soul by most everyone I met. I have always found it easier to carry a conversation with adults than with anyone my age.
For my whole academic career up until the second semester of my junior year in high school I had only gone to small private schools. From kindergarten to my freshman year of high school I had the same group of friends for the most part. This continually made it harder and more daunting to make new friends so I just didn’t. When freshman year rolled around, I changed schools along with a lot of my other friends. My best friend and I became very close with a senior who we thought was extremely nice, and the fact that she wanted to hang out with us was amazing! Things were great for a while, but as the old saying goes, “two’s company, three’s a crowd,” and I, being the more socially awkward of the three, got kicked to the curb. It was very subtle at first, but it soon became very clear to me that my presence was unwanted. Time after time I asked them if I had done anything wrong to make them not want to hang out with me and time after time they responded with empty promises that everything was fine. For the second half of my freshman year I sat alone every day and talked to barely anyone. This experience has shaped my philosophy on kindness to others and reaching out to those in need. After realizing how it feels to be alone, one becomes more apt to seek out and befriend others who are in the same boat.
My mother’s parents have always played a very big role in my life. From the time I was only two months old we lived three minutes from them. When I was three my parents built a house right next to theirs and we moved in. My grandpa had diabetes which led to an amputated leg and all the toes on his other foot. This led to him and my grandma staying at our house for several weeks or months at a time after surgeries, so we became extremely close. My grandpa was my best friend growing up and we would spend so many days out on his ranch in Miller chasing the goats, wading in the creek, and going on four wheeler rides. When I was in fifth grade, after several months in and out, my grandparents finally moved in with us. I helped out with medicines and insulin shots and helping get them up when they fell. This helped me develop patience and empathy for others. I would never trade the time I had with my grandparents for the world. My grandpa passed away in our home in October of 2014 and to this day it still feels like last week.
Once you start to look at big events in your life, you notice how they shaped you and gave you the traits that you have, the good and the bad. I see myself as not inherently good, but as someone who tries their best to do unto others how I would like to be treated. I enjoy helping people, making them laugh and smile, and genuinely being nice. I’m very shy and find myself stumbling over my words and being quite awkward when I talk so most of the time I choose not to. Several people have told me because of my refusal to talk, I can come off as stuck up and self centered. More than once I have been told that I’m an inconsiderate person and a bad friend so I am aware that my perception is not always good in others’ eyes. Along with the bad I also know people who value my friendship and all that I strive to do for them. There will continue to be people who think poorly and highly of you and it’s hard to understand which is right, but I’ve found all you have to do is ask yourself if you would be okay with your actions if it were someone else doing them.
I believe what is important in life is that you end up happy as long as your happiness does not come from the misfortune of others or at their expense. Everything we do in this life is for the end goal of happiness when you think about it. What is important is to find what makes you happy and to continue to strive for it. Without goals life is pointless in my perspective.