It rained today. It rained two and a half years ago. Maybe God really is crying. Although, that’s a bit narcissistic. If he cried every time someone passed there would never be sunshine. My mom says hell doesn’t exist. She says the life we live on earth is hell and that everyone will go to heaven after we die. I hope that isn’t true, I don’t want to live for eternity. We won’t be attending the funeral and I’m honestly glad. It’s so hard to even imagine having to see her frail, little body in a coffin. I don’t want to go and listen to people say the same thing over and over again. I don’t remember the last time I saw her. I wished my mother had taken me to see her while in the hospital. I never got to say goodbye to either of them. Today has been terrible. I’ve spent all day doing things to push the fact that she’s gone farther away. I’ve done this every time I’ve lost someone so close to me. After a year I still can’t believe my cat is buried out in the yard. I miss him everyday, but it just feels like he’s on vacation and he can’t come back. My mom said that it was a terrible way to grieve, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to fix it, not that I want to anyways. I think grieving is a very selfish process. It gets harder for me every time I lose someone. Sometimes I wish it was me so I didn’t have to lose anymore.
My friends came over today. The last I’d hung out with them was over a week ago. I was becoming increasingly worried that they were angry with me. Although I couldn’t recall if I had done something to upset them. My mother has been keeping me from making an appearance at school, I’m not complaining either. We haven’t spoken for a few days and I’m starting to worry if she’s found out about all those unfavorable feats I accomplished. I believe we’re moving, mother and father are packing up my room. I’m excited for a change, although I hope I can still attend to the same school. My friends pet my dog, Emmy. She’s been quite gloomy lately. I asked mother if she was sick, however, all she says is that she is grieving. I don’t understand why she would be, I can’t recall anyone dying. TJ, my best friend brings yellow roses to my mother. This has happened quite often recently. Maybe I’ve missed her birthday and perhaps that’s the reason she isn’t speaking to me. Mother starts crying and I try to comfort her, unsurprisingly, it’s as if she doesn’t even notice I’m there. My friends and I head on up to my room, they remove a few of my pictures out of their frames. I ask them why they are doing so. They reply that they’ll miss me. Maybe they know I’m moving and need something to remember me by. That makes sense. They dig through my closet to find my baseball and catchers mitt. I’m ecstatic to journey outside and play with them. We gallop down the stairs and out into my front yard. They throw the ball back and forth, but not to me. I ask for a turn, I’m ignored once again. It’s all right, I’m just so delighted to be with them again. We walk several blocks out of my neighborhood and to the local cemetery. I ask them why we’re hanging out here and again no reply. They all crowd around a freshly dug grave. I push past them to catch sight of who’s name is on the headstone. It’s my own.
The water was frigid in contrast to the heat outside. It was refreshing and I was able to feel the waves swishing around my arms and under my toes. The tree branches hung low and strong from hundred year old oak trees. I saw our old rope hanging from a far away maple. It hung straight without a slight sway to either direction. With my face poking out of the running water and one arm outstretched to the cloudless sky I felt the heat of the sun beaming down on me. I watched my friends yelling to me from the banks. I watched as the gravel shifted from under their weight and their waving arms at me. I dipped my head under the water and tried to regain a footing onto the rocks covered with moss and slime below me. I resurfaced from the water with water in my mouth making it more difficult to call out at my friends racing along the side of the creek to catch up with me. The waves rushing over fallen rocks were making it harder for me to keep my face above water. I felt my teeth chattering and my whole body was shaking. I couldn’t remember how long I’d been in the water. The sun was disappearing behind leaves of ancient birch trees. Just as my face, like the sun was disappearing from view, covered by white capped creek water. I felt the water seeping into my nose, into my mouth, and into my lungs. I was struggling to regain a breath of air, and soon I knew it would be impossible to do so and…it was.